Saturday, March 18, 2006

Qui-Gon : Salad Days

Wow. Totally wow. This brings me back to something I'd forgotten a long time ago.
Those zany wacky Knights and me.
Right. Well, after my stint as Quiggy Starlust, I needed to lose myself. And for good reason. Did you ever actually see me as Quiggy? I mean, yes, I was one of three Jedi who could spar not only blindfolded, but in 3 inch stilettos (and I still have blackmail on the other two). But, like, seriously, what good does that skill do you when you are supposed to be living the boring chaste life of a Jedi?
But yeah, I think that... Um... Yes, right, train of thought derailed. No survivors.
Like, yeah. So, I was knighted, going on all these solo missions, trying to wean myself off the steady diet of ridiculous decadence that I was sustaining myself on. 200 green EMpire-M's in a shoe. What a nutritious dinner. Wow. Jurberry muffins with gold flecks in them. For some reason, I wanted to eat gold. And ate gold I did, man. Irrational exuberance.
I digress at, like, great length.
What was I trying to say? Something about Knights? Of Ni! Right!
I had toured in their part of the galaxy, In'Glend. I'd hit everywhere around there. Wembley, Brixton, Gummy Simon's Fish'n'Chips. Then came Die Landen wik Ni Peng Icky Icky Fatang Zoom Boingen, or simply, the Land of Ni. Totally surreal, man. The landscape was all these large 2-D pictures that looked to be cropped from magazines and adverts. At the time, they were a sight to be seen, but the likes of today, the effects are, like, seriously dated. There were flying hand birds and hand trees. I was lucky to have missed the Killer Cars.
Long story long still, I had toured there and when I needed to lose Quiggy but quick, man, I went there.
They were eclectic to say the least. More like stake raving mad, but...
Right, so, They didn't make me denounce my Jedi ways, I just had to, like, adapt to their culture. Steady diet of Spam. Exercise regiment with the Silly Walks training. Lack of outside contact as the radio had exploded. A dead parrot in every birdhouse and a Lumberjack headlining every cross-dressing karaoke night at the pub. Every man and his brother had a tape recorder up his nose. Half-a-bees called Eric were all from the same menagerie. There were loads of socials and Fish-Slapping Dances. Like, the lands were safe, as the holy hand-grenades had killed off all of the bunnies.
All was good...
Some fool Arthur King came through. He was all right, but he was known for insulting peasants and leaving the local Black Knight with flesh wounds.
He denied us our second shrubbery!
He denied us our tree chopped down with a herring!
But mostly he said the word that we Knights Who So Formerly Said Ni could say, let alone hear.
He bested us with but a word.
And, like, I got to thinking. A bloody word. These renowned Knights falling because of a little word. I was, like, a Jedi, man. Jedi don't get trumped by a word, unless that word is followed by a double-bladed lightsabre.
So, right. I handed over my horns and my smelly cloak of stench and got off the mailing list.
And, like, that is how I learned that new Krelm Toothpaste, with the Miracle Ingredient, Fraudulin, was better than the not white car.
I, um... I was going somewhere with this, man.
Judging! Right! I'm ready to judge this thing. I am stoked to see that everyone has taken interest into the keeping and manipulation of topiary gardens. Plants are, like, seriously good, man.
I'm just wondering why everyone is looking at me, like, I'm a jerk or something.
Well, like, let's get on with it!
ACK! I've said it! Nooo! I've said it again! The word that I cannot hear! Aaagh!


Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Well, Gui-Gon, it's nice to see you again. Although I think that you really should get on with it (you know, the judging), you still shouldn't rush into it if you're not ready for it. It will happen when it's ready. What? What did I say?

5:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OHHHH Stop yer palaverin and get ta judgein , man gettin almost as bad as simon.

Qui-Gon Cowell, well it does have a snappy sound to it.

hehehehhehehehe :-)

6:09 AM  
Blogger JawaJuice said...

So...who is immune from being voted off?
When do we get to vote?
Does any of the four wish to up the bribe so me and my 83 family members don't vote them off?
...just wondering.

train of thought derailed. No survivors.

7:44 AM  

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