Thursday, March 23, 2006

Jon: Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto

Well, I have to admit building robots just isn’t my expertise. I sometimes get flack for being “just an Earthman” and it really chaps my hide. I know I don’t know how to make a warp bubble or build a transflux gentrifier, and I am definitely more comfortable fighting pirates or killer androids or something. But answer me this? How many engineers are there in this galaxy who could actually build a droid themselves? Very few, I’m certain.

So I am definitely not a rocket surgeon, but I do have an ace up my sleeve – or strapped to my sleeve as it were.

Using my Wristcomm (and you wouldn’t believe how happy I am that I brought this. It seems like it’s come in handy on almost every challenge), I called my ship and activated the ERD-21 Emergency Repair Droid. Of course, it would never pass off as a scratch-built robot, but he can help me make one.

The droid floated through the window and beeped to announce its arrival.

“Hey, thanks for coming,” I said. “I need your help to build a droid.”

[beep beep beep beep]

“Well, I know that’s not part of your programming. You’re not doing anything right now, so you might as well help.”

[beep beep beep beep be-beep]

“What do you mean you don’t want to?”

[beep du beep beep beep]

“You know what? Just give me a hand, OK? It’s not a big deal.”


“I’m a what?”


“Oh really?”

[beep beep]

“You know, I understand that the ERD-52’s are great machines. From all of those sales brochures that I’ve seen, they don’t sass-talk their owners or anything.”


“See, that wasn’t too hard, was it?”

And with that, ERD-21 and I began pulling stuff that we though we could use for the robot. Though JJ got most of the good stuff for his I-SUC, I figured we could pull some of the computer equipment from the room and maybe raid the jawa’s room for anything left over.

Hours later, we got something put together, utilizing an old robot shell, a lot of spare parts and a pair of High-Tec boots. I figured my best chance would be to make a protocol droid and dubbed him Universal Translator Etiquette and Protocol 1, or UTEP 1, for short. I switched him on and he hummed to life. Time to test him out.

“UTEP 1, Ich will Sie lieben,” I said.

“I want to kiss your cat,” it answered.

“Hmmm, close, but not quite. I’ll try another. Votre diode semble jolie ce soir.”

“The bass is exquisite tonight, garcon,” UTEP answered.

This thing just isn’t getting the translations right, I thought. I’ll try one more.

“Ouldcay ouyay easeplay anslatetray isthay ithoutway ewingscray
itway upway?” I asked.

“Could you please punch me in the nose, jerky?” UTEP translated.

Man, this thing is way off. It looks OK for a robot, though. The judge may be an evil Sith Lord, but I don’t think that he’s a linguist, so I hope this thing’ll work.

At that point, Sniffy the Dog walked up to the new droid, gave a few sniffs and woofed.

“Hey, buckethead,” UTEP said. “Pet me.”


Blogger JawaJuice said...

Wow, like the nice claw he’s sporting. He could pass for one of them new pirate droids. If you ever decide to stop your gladiatoring, come on by. I may have a job for you.You’re better then half the jawas I know.

Oh, and those ERD-21’s have always been a bit too uppity. Just threaten them with turning them into a toaster. Works every time.

3:24 PM  
Blogger Shannon said...

Psst... Jon... He looks kinda like C3PO - the protocol droid that the "Evil Sith Lord" built, then, like, gave to me. Might bring back some bad memories. You might wanna, like, give him a new head or change the color of his gold covering or somethin'. Just an idea.

7:05 PM  
Blogger Vegeta said...

Well at least it can translate dog language .

11:58 PM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Padme, Maybe he'll have a soft spot in his heart for a fat protocol droid.

6:23 AM  
Blogger flu said...

I've never seen such loafers on a droid before.

8:10 AM  

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