Wednesday, March 08, 2006

J.J.: Finding that Perfect Something...

Ithorians. Why did it have to be Ithorians?

Now, I really don’t have anything against those Black & Decker hammerhead creatures. I married one once. I also divorced one once.

But for all their nice “oh we are so ecologically conscious”, they can be kinda shifty. And they are one of the few creatures in the universe who are immune to Jawa haggling. That and their talking in stereo really grates on my nerves. But the challenge is to grab some old crap off of them for 200 credits or less, so let’s get the bloodletting over with.

“So, what strange stuff ya got here in your tent?” I asked the first Ithorian.

“Why, I got many wondrous stuff for you to purchase. I have an eighteen century vase that was owned by…”

“Yeah yeah. Whatever. I’m not looking for any highbrow crap. What do you got that’s different. Kinda freaky?

“Hmmmm….freaky….well, I got this?”

“Cereal eh? How much?”

“1000 credits,” he offered proudly.

“A thousand credits??!!! If I wanted a freak for that kind of money, I could buy Mace Windu and still have change. Why so much?”

”It’s still edible.”

“What else ya got? Hey how much for the Ithorian jedi toy there?”

“Um…that’s Ralph. He’s got a glandular problem.”

“Oh. Eh…sorry Ralph. Tough break.”

“No Problem. It happens.”

I wandered around some more. Hours of my life I will never get back again slipped away. The other contestants in the house were finishing up gathering their trinkets and I was still empty handed. I needed to get this done and over with so I could get back to my open bottle of Jack. I then spied some jewelry. Maybe that will impress the judge.

“How much for that necklace there?”

The Ithorian considered the item for a moment, and then spoke. “20 credits/2000 credits,” it spoke at the same time out of both mouths.

“Come again?”

“2000 credits/20 credits.”

“eh…so which one is it?”

“Both/neither,” it mewed in stereo.

“Great. Are you haggling with yourself?”

”Why yes/No I’m not!”

“Spiffy. Say look, I don’t got much time left. How about we cut to the chase, okay. What’s the real price?”

”You have to multiply everything the left mouth says by ten.” Said the right mouth on the heals of the left mouth explaining, “You have to divided everything the right mouth says by ten.”

I thought about it for a moment. “200 credits. Deal.” I handed over the money and they handed me the necklace. “Could ya gift wrap that?”

The Ithorian looked at me disgruntled and stared to mutter something under it’s breath. I think it was cursing me out but it was hard to tell. I then remembered to ask a very important question.

“Hey what kind of stones are those, anyway?”

“Those? Why they are human gallstones. Beautiful, eh?”


Blogger Lt. Cmdr Oneida said...

It's nice that it's a matched set, but ewww.

10:30 AM  
Blogger flu said...

You'll really have to have a lot of gall to take those to Dooku.

12:06 PM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

I thought that I saw doubles for your post for a second there.

12:15 PM  
Blogger A Army Of (Cl)One said...

I find your item to be quite galling. (dang not being faster then Fluke)

5:16 PM  
Blogger Barriss Offee said...

Hmm.. ok!

jawajuice, that's one very interesting (and if you don't mind me saying) old piece of junk that you have found.

5:37 PM  

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