Friday, February 24, 2006

Staarrrrrbuckerrrr: Blimey!

JAR JAR: "Er... consider thissen yousa challenge. Mesa going now!"

Great! I thought. I turned and looked out into the vast oceanic scene, with pirate ships approaching, and I couldn't help but think to myself... 'Wow, this is a high budget show'. And it's a good thing, too, because Jon totally ruined the Eastern wall of this house when he summoned his DangerMobile, and made a ridiculous mess... now I'm gonna have to redo all that laundry.

I ended up hitching a ride with Jon out to the ships, but then one of the ships started firing at us, and Jon started throwing around orders or something, I think... It was kinda loud at the time... bossing me, like I was a crew member or something, so I gave him a quick poppy Jedi-Wannabe one-finger salute and bailed towards the nearest crow's nest (that we happened to be flying right over at the time).

I landed hard, and as I regained my footing to gain my bearings, I caught a glimpse of their flag...

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It was the most hideous Jolly Roger I'd ever seen! What had I gotten myself into? I wondered. I quickly shimmied down the rigging and ignited my lightsabre, ready for anything

"Avast!" I heard behind me... what the heck does that mean? I wondered.... So I spun around.... and there was a pirate there with a fancy schmancy piece of metal... he was holding it like a lightsabre, but it wasn't illuminated at all.

FLUKE: "What'd you say? A vast? A vast what? A vast ocean?"

PIRATE 1: "Belay ye yammerin! Ye bilge-suckin lubberrrrr. Is ye be set ta dance with Jack Ketch? Aye?"

Huh? What did he say?

FLUKE: "Huh? What did you say?"

PIRATE 1: "Dead men tell no tales, Me cutlass ull run ya thru!"

I couldn't understand a word this wacko was spewing!

FLUKE: "I can't understand a word you're saying! Is your mouth full of marbles, or something?"

Then he started running towards me, swinging his little shiny metal stick looking thing as he came. I held up my lightsabre to block it as he swung and *CHINK* his stick was cut clean into as he swung, but the durned end that got severed hit me in the chest


He paused for just a sec, looking at his short stick with wide eyes... "Shiver me timbers!" He exclaimed.

PIRATE 1: "oooOOOOOooH, a fancy scabbard that was! Ye goona meet rrrrrope's end fer that! Kissin the gunnar's daughter too good fer ye, but a keelhaulin doos nicety!"

I think I understood something he just said...

FLUKE: "Uh... what's the gunner's daughter look like?"

Then the pirate pulled some sort of blaster looking thing... it reminded me of JJ's blaster, except it didn't have a black toilet-paper tube taped onto the end... and he pointed it right at me, but then he yelled really loud to someone off camera...

PIRATE 1: "Ahoy, powder monkey! We've a poxed dog 'ere, he's anxous ta feed da fish!"

another Pirate dude came a running up some steps

FLUKE: "Don't point that at me." I said, and sliced through his little blaster looking thing with my lightsabre.

Woah, you shoulda seen the look on their faces then.

PIRATE 2: "Well, sink me! C'merrrre me mateys! Smartly, mateys! Handsomely now! Me Brethren o' the coast! Make haste! Bring the Cap'n!"

At that, several other pirate dudes came running up out of the wood work... they kinda got all around me. Man, they stank! But none of 'em had their sticks out... so I turned off my lightsabre, and looked them over, in much the same way they were looking me over... kinda hunched over, with a pouty bottom lip, and one eye open wider than the other...

PIRATE 3: "Gangway! Gangway! Make way fer de Cap'n!"

Then the crowd of them kinda parted and one of them with a fancy-schmancy hat walked up and spoke some more gibberish with the others that had met me already... I think he was kinda upset that I had broken their toys.

FLUKE: "Uh, look, I'm sorry I cut up that dude's litt..."

FANCY HAT: "Silence!"

FLUKE: "Hey, you talk norma..."

FANCY HAT: "SILENCE, ye scurvy lad! I be doin the talkin herrrrre!"

FLUKE: "pshaw. You had me fooled."

FANCY HAT: "Arrrrre ya addled? What's ya keep yappin ferrrr? I. SAID. SILENCE!!! Now, who arrrre ya?"

FLUKE: "..."

FANCY HAT: "Well?"

FLUKE: "..."

FANCY HAT: "Cat get yer tongue, now?"

FLUKE: "Look, you just threw a big hissy a second ago b/c I was talking, and now your asking me stuff. You want me to talk?... and ignore your first request?... or keep silent, and..."

FANCY HAT: "Oh, just tell me yer name, lad."

FLUKE: "Starbucker, Fluke Starbucker."

I heard a gasp in the back of the crowd. The Fancy Hatted dude heard it too, and headed that way... the crowd opened for him as he swaggered. He talked with some other guy for a moment... just out of my earshot... something about the French, and liking Mayonaisse, I think...

Finally, after a bit, the guy with the hat made his way back to me...

FANCY HAT: "Turns we've 'errrrd some about cha, worm-turner."

Man, I wish this blog offered subtitles.

FLUKE: "What did you say?"

FANCY HAT: "We know about cha. Ol' numb-nuts Hooligan therrrre seen ya's showin a might fine picturrrrrres of a cerrrrtain Prrrrrincess on the Surrrrrrvivorrrrrr movin picturrrrre show, n' she was wearrrrin a glimmerrrrry... sparrrrrkley.... gooooolden dressy."

He licked his lips and displayed a look of anticipation for my confirmation...

FLUKE: "Uh... well... yeah, but that wasn't supposed to be aired..."

FANCY HAT: "Oh, shut yerrr pie hole! So what if it was'n suppose ta airrrrrr? Do ya's got's it wit ya??"

everyone around us leaned in, kinda like when EF Hutton used to speak...

FLUKE: "what? The picture?... maybe."

FANCY HAT: "No! Ya addlepate! Not tha picturrrrrre, the dressy!

FLUKE: "No... immediately a murmer began, and grew... I realized I had incensed them, so I yelled, BUT! I know where it is!"

immediately, they all went silent and looked at me...

FANCY HAT: "OH, ya do, do ya? And joost wherrrre, prrrray tell, is it?"

I knew I had leverage.

FLUKE: "Not so fast, Mr. man. I'll tell ya, but it'll cost you..."

FANCY HAT: "Com'ere boy, let us rrrrrreason togetherrrrr."

The crowd began murmering again as he led me up to the aft of his ship. When he realized they were all watching and standing around, he hollered, "What'cha doin, get ta worrrrk or I'll be waylayin ya with me belayin pin, n' scupperin ya to the brrrrriny deep!"

At that, they scattered like roaches.

Fancy Hat then dug around in a small chest near the steering wheel thingy,
"Me bucko, 'ave some grog. Splice yer mainbrace. Now, what 'ave ye gots in yer belfrrrrey?"

I took a long swig... ACK! It was the most watered down rum I'd ever tasted!

FLUKE: "Well, I was thinking... I could tell you'ns where to find the fair Princess, if you leave and Never come back... and give me a little booty."

He looked shocked and offended at my offer.

FANCY HAT: "Thar be nary butt pirates on this ship! They're on the next ship over, been watchin us through theirrr spyglass... see? Use yer deadlights."

He handed me a telescope to look through, and pointed to another ship out the window...

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FANCY HAT: "Them's Imperial pirates. They may be willin to hand overrrr the booty."

FLUKE: "OH, no...not that! I mean 'booty' like 'swag'?"

He looked at me curiously...

FLUKE: "Don't you know what I'm talking about? Holy Guacamole! You've been blabbering on in pirate-speak this whole time, and yet... you don't know about booty?!?... Or SWAG??!?!? It's like, a pirate word for treasure."

FANCY HAT: "TREASURE! Arrrrrr. Treasure!... 'n loot!"

FLUKE: "Yes! Loot! Do you have any that you'd be willing to trade for the Princess' location?... uh... she knows where that dress is."

Fancy hat then led me down to the belly of his ship, where many chests were laid out... but not stacked at all...

FLUKE: "Why isn't it piled up?"

FANCY HAT: "What e'rrr do ye mean?"

FLUKE: "This... *this booty is only shin deep*."

FANCY HAT: "Arrrrrr. Take a chest, any chest, then give us the locale, and be on yar way!"

So I grabbed a chest, gave them Leia's web addy (but didn't tell them that she hasn't updated in ages) and then was on my way back to the BB house as they sailed off

But durn, if I didn't grab a crappy chest! Best I can tell, It looks like they were software pirates more than anything... The chest had hundreds of these disks:

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but, There was a nice tub of Paarrrrkay:

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...and a Parrots t-shirt:

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...and an old flyer for some corn sale or something...

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Starbucker Out

Oh, while there were no subtitles, here is a Pirate to English translation of the phrases and words used, in the order they appear:

Blimey! -- An exclamation of surprise
Crow's nest -- A small platform, sometimes enclosed, near the top of a mast, where a lookout could have a better view when watching for sails or for land.
Jolly Roger -- The pirates' skull-and-crossbones flag. It was an invitation to surrender, with the implication that those who surrendered would be treated well. A red flag indicated "no quarter."
Avast! -- "Hey!" Could be used as "Stop that!" or "Who goes there?"
Belay -- Stop that. "Belay that talk!" would mean "Shut up!"
Yammerin -- also, Yappin -- carrying on with words when you should be quiet
Bilge-sucking -- A very uncomplimentary adjective. The bilges of a ship are the lowest parts, inside the hull along the keel. They fill with stinking bilgewater -- or just "bilge."
Landlubber or just lubber -- A non-sailor.
Jack Ketch -- The hangman. To dance with Jack Ketch is to hang.
Dead men tell no tales -- Standard pirate excuse for leaving no survivors.
Cutlass -- A curved sword, like a saber but heavier. Traditional pirate weapon. Has only one cutting edge; may or may not have a useful point.
Shiver me timbers! -- An expression of surprise or strong emotion.
Rope's end -- a term for flogging. "Ye'll meet the rope's end for that, me bucko!"
Kiss the gunner's daughter -- A punishment: to be bent over one of the ship's guns and flogged.
Keelhaul -- Punishment by dragging under the ship, from one side to the other. The victim of a keelhauling would be half-drowned, or worse, and lacerated by the barnacles that grew beneath the ship.
Ahoy -- "Hello!" or "Hey there!"
Powder Monkey -- a gunner's assistant.
Poxy, poxed -- Diseased. Used as an insult.
Dog -- A mild insult, perhaps even a friendly one.
Feed the fish -- What you do when you are thrown into the sea, dead or alive.
Sink me! -- An expression of surprise
Matey -- A piratical way to address colleagues.
Smartly -- Quickly. "Smartly there, men!" = "Hurry up!"
Handsomely -- Quickly. "Handsomely now, men!" = "Hurry up!"
Brethren of the Coast -- The Caribbean buccaneers called themselves by this name in the 1640-1680 period. During this time, they actually formed a sort of fraternity, and did not (usually) fight each other or even steal from each other. After 1680, a new generation of pirates appeared, who did not trust each other . . . with good reason.
Gangway! -- "Get out of the way!"
Scurvy -- (1) A deficiency disease which often afflicted sailors; it was caused by lack of vitamin C. (2) A derogatory adjective suitable for use in a loud voice, as in "Ye scurvy dogs!"
Lad, lass, lassie -- A way to address someone younger than you.
Addled -- Mad, insane, or just stupid
Worm-turner -- a man as good as dead
pie hole -- mouth, usually from which comes too many words
addlepate -- fool
waylayin -- administer a beating
Belaying pin -- A short wooden rod to which a ship's rigging is secured. A common improvised weapon aboard a sailing ship, because they're everywhere, they're easily picked up, and they are the right size and weight to be used as clubs.
Scuppers -- Openings along the edges of a ship's deck that allow water on deck to drain back to the sea rather than collecting in the bilges. "Scupper that!" is an expression of anger or derision: "Throw that overboard!"
Briny deep -- The ocean. Probably no pirate in all history ever used this phrase, but don't let that stop you, especially if you can roll the R in "briny"!

Bucko -- Familiar term. ' me bucko' = 'my friend'
Grog -- Generically, any alcoholic drink. Specifically, rum diluted with water to make it go farther

Splice the mainbrace -- to have a drink, or perhaps, several
Booty -- loot, swag, treasure
Spyglass -- a telescope
Deadlights -- eyes.
*Thanks, Jon*


Blogger A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Just because Master Windu wants us to feel his bun of steel, Doesn't make us 'booty' pirates. You'll be hearing from the organization that represents us: G.L.A.A.D (Galactic Lawyers Against Armored-Guys Discrimination)

8:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

okay makes me wonder what you edit out you should post the unedit version on your blog I hate these camerma - comercial editing

I am surprised you didnt slice mr fancy hat --- hat for being so fancy

9:06 AM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Blimey! That powder monkey be one smartly looking gunner's daughter. That Jack Ketch would love to give her the Jolly Roger.

And, ahoy, I'm not just yammering me piehole, buckos!

9:14 AM  
Blogger JawaJuice said...

Great post Fluke!
But what I really needed was a glossary for Fluke-speak.
poppy Jedi-Wannabe one-finger salute?
ignited my lightsaber?
mouth full of marbles?
a big hissy?

And then there’s…

nary butt pirates


I’m not sure I want to know.

9:55 AM  
Blogger Master Yoda said...

Very educational this was. of the Learn Pirate on Tape! series it reminds me.

10:20 AM  
Blogger Lt. Cmdr Oneida said...

The chests weren't stacked, eh? I guess that's a bit of a bummer

10:52 AM  
Blogger Captain Typho said...

I'm sure we can find a use for the Parrkay, but that is a pretty weak booty. I guess these pirates didn't rob the right people?

6:49 PM  

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