Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Jon: This post is brought to you today by the letter Arrrrrrrr

The pirate ships were approaching! Quickly, I called the Danger Sled with my Wristcomm. Everyone dove for cover as my ship crashed through a wall. I fired a magnetic grapple from my harpoon launcher and it stuck fast to the skin of my space plane.

Fluke ran up to me and wrapped his arms around me as I started to lift away. He puckered up his lips towards me. “For luck!” He yelled above the engines. “Smoochie smoochie!”

“Knock it off, ya goof!” I hollered back.

Responding to a string of commands from my communicator, the Danger Sled fired on one of the ships with its powerful cannons. The energy lanced through the ship, scorching holes in the deck and setting the sails on fire. In short order, the ship was a burning wreck.


Other ships responded, fire from their own laser cannons traced across the sky as the Danger Sled banked around their formation. Burning light hit the hull and smoke exploded from the engines.

I cursed loudly, though I couldn’t tell if Fluke could hear me. He offered me a snappy salute and dove away from me, aiming his body towards the crow’s nest of a ship. I swung from the cable and landed on the deck of another ship myself. I sent the Danger Sled away, lest it be hit by more cannon fire.

A pirate leapt in front of me. “Arrr, what ye be doin’ on arrrrrrr ship the Darrrrrrk Sharrrrrk? I’ll run ye through, landlubber!”

I judo chopped him in the shoulder, pulled his cutlass from its scabbard and heaved him overboard.

Another pirate rushed up, his own sword drawn. “I’ll cut ye down, ye dirty scalawag!”

“I know you arrrrrr, but what am I?” I responded, engaging him with my sword.

We traded swipes and parries. I knew that I had to finish him off before his shipmates arrived. I drove close to him and brought my knee up into his stomach. As he doubled over, I judo tossed him into the drink as well.

Five more pirates leapt in front of me, each one striking a karate pose.

“Ninja pirates,” I groaned. “Why’d it have to be ninja pirates? I hate ninja pirates.”

“Ye just earned yer trip to Davy Jones Locker!” growled one.

“You mean Davy Jones the Monkee?” I asked. “He’s dreamy!”

“No, you scurvy dog!!” The ninja pirates swung and kicked towards me.

I dove out of the way and chopped the ropes on the mast with my sword. A sail dropped onto them and they began waving their arms beneath the giant denim trap.

I ran towards the cabin of the ship, one more pirate stood there, looming over me. His unpatched eye glinted much like the hook on his hand. I looked down at his legs. One was wooden, of course, the other hosted a colorful sock.

“What’s with the sock?” I pointed.

“It’s arrrrrrgyle,” he sneered.

“And how’d you get the peg leg?”

“In a fight, a fierce battle at sea, a cannonball tore of me leg,” he answered.

“And what about the hook?”

“In another fierce battle, my enemy cut off me hand in a sword fight,” he snarled.

“Oh.” I could see that happening, I guess. “What about the eyepatch?”

“One day, I looked up at the seagulls, and one crapped in me eye.”

“So?” I answer. “You shouldn’t have lost an eye from that.”

“Arrr, I wasn’t used to the hook yet!” He roared. He swung his hook at me. I dodged the clumsy attack and wrapped my arms around him in a submission hold. After a few seconds, he collapsed on the deck and I ran down into the belly of the ship.

I screeched to a halt, towering over me was the largest, meanest, smelliest pirate of them all.

“Yarrr, they call me the Main Boss, and I shall club yer bones! Arrrr!”

I dodged his attack, something told me that I would only get one shot at this. He laughed heartily, attacked again and as before, I dove out of his way. He laughed once more and lunged. I rolled away and fired my Sonic Stun blast at him; he shielded himself with his forearms though, and laughed again.

I think that I was starting to see his pattern. When he swung at me, I dodged and kicked him in the gut. He doubled over in pain, but he quickly recovered and backhanded me across the room. He laughed again and I quickly threw my foot into his stomach a second time.

It felt like this would go on forever, but after kicking and dodging too many times to count, Main Boss began to howl. He then fell flat on his face, knocked out by the traded blows.

I looked at the other end of the room and I saw a treasure chest! Quickly, I ran over and kicked the lock off. The chest popped open and I realized that these pirates were more dangerous than I thought.


They were video pirates!

17 Comments:

Blogger A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Oh No! Jon pirated most of the ARRRR puns. He is a Pun Pirate.

BTW, were they Pirates of crappy videos or what? Golden Girls!!

12:31 PM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Are you kidding? Veronica Mars, March of the Penguins, Howl's Moving castle? Those are all great.

Of course, they did swing and miss with the Golden Girls...

12:36 PM  
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12:37 PM  
Blogger A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Mr. Calvin Thomas is a F*** wad. (sorry spammer really annoy me)

12:58 PM  
Blogger flu said...

Jon, you woulda found better booty had you only accepted my good luck smooch.

1:10 PM  
Blogger flu said...

...and SPLOG!

1:13 PM  
Blogger A Army Of (Cl)One said...

I don't think Fluke should use the words booty and smooch in a sentence dealing with Jon. :)

1:38 PM  
Blogger tiny lil jawa said...

LOL! they have narrrrrrrrnia!

2:47 PM  
Blogger Captain Typho said...

I'm surprised it took so long to get splogged. They must be losing their touch.

3:12 PM  
Blogger Lt. Cmdr Oneida said...

Yeah, Jon, you should have accepted Fluke's smoochies, could have brought you luck, maybe made the ninja pirates disappear or something.

6:05 PM  
Blogger Vegeta said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7:08 PM  
Blogger Vegeta said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7:09 PM  
Blogger Vegeta said...

Does Anyone actually like ninja pirates?

7:10 PM  
Blogger Jabafatboy said...

Great Jon Ya brought One of the pirates back with ya. This Calvin Thomas. Musta been the ships BOY.

I hate spammers !!

Blastem with yer ARRRRRMS

7:13 PM  
Blogger JawaJuice said...

What? No cup-o-gold candy?
What kinda pirates were they?

7:31 AM  
Blogger A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Lil Tiny Jawa: and they had Veronica Marrrrrrs

4:54 PM  
Blogger A Army Of (Cl)One said...

and Marrrrrch of the peguins

6:58 PM  

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