Monday, January 30, 2006

Jon: Yes, we have some lemons.



Looking at the lemon tree, I thought back to my Great-Grand Uncle Elmont who once told me “When life hands you lemons, you make lemonade.”

It seemed odd to me that he would say that, seeing as how Great-Grand Uncle Elmont hated lemons. Great-Grand Uncle Elmont was always a little crazy.

The other contestants were milling about, being thinkers. They were thinkers, but I was a doer. That’s right a doer, doer in the morning, doer in the evening. A doer whenever I can. Quickly, I ran down to the basement and took a look around.

There was a steel rod just sitting there against a wall. That could be useful, I can poke all the lemons! OK, maybe that won’t work, but I was onto something here.

I also found a short extension cord and a plan started to come together. Quickly, I grabbed the bar and the cord, ran upstairs into the Swingin’ Bachelor Pad to get the nailgun attachment for my Wristcomm, then ran out into an open spot in the courtyard where I could get a clean shot.

I aimed the nailgun and fired at one of the lemons. I realized my mistake as a 3-round burst of the fast flying flechettes turned the lemon into a juicy explosion of rind and pulp.

Meanwhile, Sniffy came sniffing up to me with her tail wagging and her tongue hanging out. Hey, she can help, too!

“Hey Sniffy! Go get some lemons! Go get 'em girl!”

Sniffy woofed and ran off to the tree.

Meanwhile, my idea of harpooning the lemons with the nailgun wasn't working very well.

Harpooning? Hmmm.

Quickly, I fired the cable launcher on my Writscomm at the lemon and the point dug into the ripe fruit. Success!

I released the point and wound the cable back onto its spool. I opened the compartment that holds the spare points. I had five more.

As I connected the next tip, Sniffy came running up with a lemon and dropped it at my feet.

“Good girl, Sniffy!” I exclaimed. “Go get another one!”

My trusty companion happily ran off towards the tree and I fired another harpoon into a lemon.

Sniffy ran back with the oblong fruit in her mouth. This is going pretty well, I’m doing alright.

After another command, she ran off again to get another. I continued firing the harpoon and releasing the points into the fruit in the tree.

Sniffy was running back to me, but something leapt out at her. It was Runt, Jaba’s stupid thing attacked her. The two animals started brawling and spinning around each other. They were going around and around like a whirling dervish on a Disco Trimmer, and their momentum carried them away from the courtyard and around the house.

Drats. Sniffy helped, but she only got me two. The rest is up to me. I wrapped the wiring of the cord around the metal pole and I plugged the cord into a wall outlet. My Makeshift electromagnet hummed to life; I pointed it towards the tree. The lemons began to shake, and then they tore free of the branches. Six lemons total, followed by….

…Oh oh.

The lemons were coming towards me, but so was a spring, some metal cups, a hydrospanner, a screwdriver, a hammer, a ratchet set, a toolbox, the coupler from a landspeeder, some kids toys, several batteries from a blaster, a landing skid, several forks, a 12 foot gutter, two wrist communicators, eight metal spoons, three more communicators, a shovel, a wheel from a landing gear, the strut from a landing gear, a crowbar, a street sign, three spinner hubcaps, a tie clasp, an acetylene torch, a wheelbarrow, several lead pipes, a pump handle, a lamp, a coil of wire, a fan blade, a trowel, the claw, dome and left leg of an R2 unit, and a kitchen sink.

Under the pile of metal and eight lemons, I sighed and tried to relax. I had some time to kill; I guess that I can think of all the things that I could do with the lemons.

I could make lemonade, lemon shake ups, lemon shake ups (with booze), lemon pie, lemon squares, zesty lemon muffins, lemon pudding, lemon pudding cake, lemon custard, lemon shrimp, lemon custard with shrimp, pickled lemons, lobster in lemon sauce, lemon coleslaw, lemon pasta, lemon ice cream, lemon pancakes, lemon guacamole, chicken in honey lemon sauce, lemon rice, lemon and coconut bread, lemon kabobs, lemon Creole, lemon gumbo. There's pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried lemon. There's pineapple lemon, lemon shrimp with lemon, coconut lemon, pepper lemon, lemon soup, lemon stew, lemon salad, lemon and potatoes, lemon burger, lemon sandwich, lemon and baked beans, lemon, egg and bacon; lemon, sausage and bacon; lemon and spam; egg bacon and lemon; egg bacon sausage and lemon; lemon bacon sausage and spam; lemon egg lemon lemon bacon and lemon; lemon sausage lemon lemon bacon lemon tomato and lemon; and of course Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and lemon.

Maybe I’ll make that.


Blogger Lt. Cmdr Oneida said...

*peers over the sink edge, which is now a bit tilted*
Ummm, you need some help there, Jon?

7:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Where did that little peckerwood get off too.

We are gonna miss our transport back!

5:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jon lol perhaps you should have used another method but heck at least you got the lemons

9:15 AM  
Blogger Shannon said...

R2? R2?? R2!!??!!

This is so not cool...

7:51 AM  

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